Day 13 — Have You?

"Have you ever felt alone, but at the same time you do not want to be with anyone?"

That’s what I have been feeling for these couple of weeks. The feeling I have tried to ignore. Avoiding people has seemed like a good idea, since faking a smile made me tired as hell.

I have been making silence as a habit, and loneliness as a new friend. No friend, and nobody really knows that this smile I have been wearing is only to make me look nicer. Because I know, nobody thinks a desperate person is attractive.

And I do not want to be that person.
But can I? You have taken my smile with you when you left.

April 12
— smileless

Day 12 — Lie I'm Living In

I’m still learning to get used to waking up knowing you’re no longer there to hug.
I’m not doing it well, but I guess practicing has paid its price.
Because no matter how much I still miss you, now I can hold myself from texting you. For me, that’s an achievement.

So if today you see me like I don’t care anymore, it’s because I’m trying to stop hoping.
Hoping that my heart will never skip a beat anymore every time I see your name, your picture, and your face coming to my mind.

I have no idea how long I can survive this lie I’m living in.

April 11
— hopefully hopeless

11 — Sebelah

Aku merindukan hal-hal sederhana seperti menggenggam tanganmu saat kita menyeberangi jalan raya.

Atau saat kita menonton acara televisi tidak penting, kemudian diam-diam jemariku sempurna mengisi celah di antara jari-jari tanganmu.

Juga saat kita tanpa sadar bergandeng tangan sewaktu duduk bersisian di atas sofa di warung kopi.

Dan ketika kau yang sedang duduk menyambut uluran tanganku untuk kemudian kau pegang erat seraya kutarik hingga kau berdiri dan berakhir di pelukanku.

Aku merindukan hal-hal sederhana seperti itu, saat genggaman yang kudapat bukan sekadar jabat sebelah tangan.

Kenapa sekarang kita tak henti menepis sesuatu yang seharusnya kita genggam?

10 April
— sebelah tangan

10 — Tidak Pernah Jauh

Aku kembali terjaga di hari yang berbeda, tetap dengan rasa yang sama seperti hari-hari saat menyampaikan apa yang kurasa padamu tidak serumit ini.

Meski kini mencintaimu tidak semudah dulu, dalam diam mengucap sayang tidak pernah kulewatkan.

Mengenangmu masih tidak sesulit mengendapkan harapan, hanya saja melupakanmu tetap kurasa susah.

Merindukanmu pun tidak pernah jauh dari selangkah menuju rumah, karena engkaulah pulang yang tak akan pernah aku pergi lagi.

Sejauh apapun kau bentang jarak, aku mendekat.

Sembilan di Bulan Keempat 
— untuk yang selalu jadi kesayangan

Day 9 — Something Right

There will never be enough words to describe how much love I actually have inside my heart.
Too much that sometimes I think it’s wrong.

But there’s nothing wrong about something right, right?
All I feel is, that it feels so right, even if you left.

April 8
— to my baby

Day 8 — The Game

This little game of love we play is now becoming the waiting game.
Waiting for who’s going to fall first, waiting for who’s going to hurt first, and waiting for who’s going to leave first.

I win. Only to lose.

Day Seven — Seven Days

It’s been a week.

Seven days of struggling and surviving.
Seven days of trying to start a new beginning without really knowing the end.
Seven days of desperation, frustration, and expectation. 
Seven days since you asked me to leave and stop fighting.

Does a week make a change? It probably does.
So far, I’ve learned to live without hoping when I’m not missing you.
And when I’m missing you, I just breathe.
It gets harder everyday, but it works.

I know you’re not mine.
But you’re my reason.
My reason to believe that no matter how hard I try to stop myself from loving, I have no other way than to let it grow.

Starts right from the moment I wake up in the morning, until I close my eyes at night.
Every day.

It’s been seven days.
And for every day, one letter.

— April 6