Today, one year ago.
Do you remember? Tonight, one year ago, we were playing one of the most dramatic scenes in our lives. I still remember how I was faced with fear, tears, anger, agony and painful thought of not knowing what to do after I knew everything that night. I still remember your sad and guilty expression that framed your teary eyes as you softly whispered that “sorry” to me. I still remember how scared I was with the thought of how I probably would never live my days the same way again. I thought I wouldn’t be that strong, I thought I was that weak, and probably I was. I remember how I finally tried to accept everything. I remembered how I finally decided to enjoy a miserable period until the pain would slowly be no longer there. The period full of suffering and struggling over fighting my love in vain and vanity.
There’s a period after a painful break-up when I learn not only about grief, but also the beauty and pain of time’s passing. These things have been defined through my experiences and expanded into the point of view I see today and the hope I continue to keep. The period that, although painful, has helped me become less selfish and naive. Because of everything I have been put through since that day, I have become stronger and more confident. You are the person who hurt me the most so far, but you are also the one who helped me become the person I am today. And I might thank you for that.
I guess I was formed into what I am in a year by you. Because of you I used to find myself constantly bothered by almost every little thing. I was such an insecure wimp because of you. I was afraid to stay in love with you, since I didn’t know how far I would go to get you back for casting me aside. But then again, what was I supposed to do after what you did to me? I was nobody but a rambling fool over a complicated break up.
People say that if we truly love someone, then we have to show it in a number of ways. One way is to put their needs and considerations before our own. Unfortunately, in my case this thing many times has put me in the position of having to “let you go”. The moment when we love someone on the level that we cannot let them go is an act of imprisoning ourselves. While the moment when we can truly let them go, we open our heart to more love than we have ever imagined. That’s how I let you go, with reason. And the reason is love. Love is not always easy. Sometimes it is not fair either. To keep you close when it is hurting you and to keep you around when you can spread your wings elsewhere are selfish. I have always wanted to love you enough to give you the chance to build your own wings. Then hoping and praying that you would one day use those wings to fly back to me. But you never came back. So I stop hoping. I let you go because I know for sure that holding on will only lead both of us to more suffering. So I stop praying.
I’ve been trying my hardest to let you go, but truth be told, I knew you were never fully mine in the first place. Deep down, I somehow still feel that when the person I love is the person I am actually meant to end up with, I won’t have to be made to let you go. But I let you go, with reason. I let you go because love is never to be wasted. Because I truly loved you once and I still care about you deep down, I pray for you to always get what you want even if it doesn’t include me. I’ve been a life that tries to get through hardships, that smiles when encumbered by tears. I’ve been a life not for all those romantic and poetic reasons but for finally letting go of you and the pain you gave me. You’re the part of pain that I used to love and the pain is the part of you that I should let go.
Life is actually too short to let go of people whom we truly care about, but I believe that letting go is not really forgetting, it’s remembering without fear. Letting go of something we’ve been holding on for long doesn’t mean we stop caring, it just means we can’t fix it. Letting go is not to regret what was or wasn’t, or what might have been; it is to learn, grow and prepare for the future. When letting go was the only logical step for me to take, little did I know that my heart would still tell me that we should have continued holding on. My head might have said something, but in the end my heart would overrule. I let you go when I finally realized that whatever I was holding on to was stopping me from seeing what I really wanted. I knew it was time to let go when I started to think too much instead of to feel enough.
My heart is still with you, but the reality calls for letting you go. I know in my heart that you might never leave, that you will always be inside of me, even if it is just a memory. There’s always a part of me that holds on.
Today, it’s been exactly one year. One year of forgetting, forgiving, and fighting. Happy Anniversary, for both of us.
February 6, 2012
― an illumine’s ex
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